Where Have All The Good Guys Gone: Final Fantasy Edition 2 (because I got complaints about leaving people out)

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I got complaints. I didn’t include villains (was the title of this article even read?) or npcs. So here is my pseudo amendment to that. Final Fantasy: People that I deliberately avoided talking about last time edition is a go!angeal

Angeal is a pretty trademark failure. Yep tossing that right out in the air from the get go. We’ll break this down to bullet points:

*Mentor character

* Science Project

* one g***amn ****ing wing

* a reeeeeeaaaaallllllllllllly gay name

* Sword fighter who doesn’t use his ****ing sword

* Every cliché you can think of just about is wrapped up in this one guy

Just save yourself the trouble and go date Liam Neesan it’s easier.


banon
Banon sucks. “You teenage amnesiac girl you are our only hope, good luck” AH no!Bartholomew Bartholemew Estheim was hands down the coolest character in Final Fantasy 13. Thanks to Snow he’s also back on the market. Thanks Snow!blank Blank is probably the coolest scariest looking guy on this list. He is a patchwork doll whom has no pants, no eyes, or shirt for that matter. Blank was one of the many self sacrificing side characters in Final Fantasy 9. I would date Blank.cid kramer Cid Kramer is going to get an Angeal style list of sins.

* Demon in a lamp

* Married to the evil sorceress

* Oh did I mention that the matron that raised all of you is the sorceress?

* Okay I definitely brought up the evil alien in the basement right

* We totally have this cool flying school

* Oh and your sister that’s missing she’s hanging out with us

* Oh one more thing the weapons that we gave you guys those are eating brains! Welcome to school!

* Oh by the way not that we’re actually in a war and my job is relevant, you’re in charge now Squall good luck!

* ….. You gave me a sniper with no credentials? Are you trying to get me killed?

* Why did you report that Seifer was dead…….

*He looks like Robin Williams

* I was going to make this shorter but it just keeps going….

dammit

No seriously…..

 

cid worst name ever Guess what! You got it another evil family member from 12! What do does this Cid bring to the table? Ummmm daddy issues. I think that’s about it.cid0 Cid of the Type 0 persuasion is one those right intention wrong method kind of people. He’s not nice, he’s actually really mean and he kind of looks like he should be hanging out with Hitler.cid4 I love this version of Cid. He was the father-esque figure in 4. He was the mechanic and the one who did all your ship work. He was the only Cid other then Highwind  that joined your party and he was way more epic, and significantly less abusive to every one around him.  cid6 For years I thought this version of Cid was wearing a raincoat, which when you get right down to it is actually kind of funny. Cid is kind of like a father figure to  Celes, which is and of itself kind of bragging rights.  You see Cid saved the world in FF6. Yep you read that right. After Kefka destroys the world Cid saves and cares for Celes for a full year while she’s comatose. There was no else on that island that could have taken care of her and it’s obviously only after she awakens that she goes of to find her friends and ultimately save the world. The majority of your party members are all stuck in neutral and the ones who weren’t like Edgar and Locke were way past preoccupied with what they were already doing so no help there. So yeah Cid saved everyone. Good job Cid!cidfrog FF9’s Cid was cursed by his wife to be stuck as an oglop, with an obnoxious upturned moustache. He’s a dear friend to Garnet and the one hired Zidane and co to kidnap her in the first place. Which makes him some form of conspirator in kidnapping…nevermind. Cid goes through three different forms, oglop, frog (as seen above), and human.cid not frog Eventually getting his body back he does manage to improve a little bit over the frog. It’s no big surprise though, it’s not easy being green (if Kermit clubs me to death tonite I hope no one is surprised).cinna Cinna on the other hand is a scary looking individual he has glowing pupil-less eyes, he’s wearing the world’s worst belly shirt, and there’s just that little bit of chub going over his belt. :/ He’s a little half past creepy, and if we just want to add a little fuel to the fire this particular kidnapper sleeps with a Princess Garnet (age 16) doll……

Emperor's_Ambitions

The Emperor from FF2 is freaking sexy, he’s got gorgeous hair, and a very pretty face. However I will be honest I didn’t like FF2 enough to actually make it to him. So I have no idea what he was like. He sure is pretty though.

exdeath

Exdeath is a big creeping creeper, he killed Galoof and that means that I have a mad personal grudge against him. And what kind of name is Exdeath anyway? Ex as in former, so does that mean he’s alive or undead….? The only FF zombie I need or want in my life is Zack sorry.

GabranthArt

Gabranth sucks. I don’t know why they tried so hard to make this guy seem relevant. He killed Vaan’s brother, which ultimately led nowhere. On that note I am so totally sick of dead brothers, and evil brothers too, for that matter I think I just hate 12’s families.

892a54f940f366d1753e2889b9f4c8af

This is what Gabranth looks like without his helmet.

gabranth

Fairly akin to Jamie Campbell Bower just like Basche…except cleaner. I will now stop picking on subpar actors.

garland

Garland is your first boss fight in Final Fantasy 1, that’s pretty cool. I have no idea however why he’s the representative boss for Dissidia. Anyway Garland abducted Princess Sarah.

garland 2.0

In FF9 we see the pseudo return of Garland (it would have been awesome had Zidane acknowledged having fought a Garland in Dissidia). Naturally Garland is hassling Princess Sarah! In this game Garland is a very old man with significantly more dialogue. He still isn’t charming though. Watch out for this guy if your name happens to be Sarah, Sara, Sera, or Serah.

genesis

Genesis is a decently attractive person, he’s got nice hair, fairly pretty eyes, and is a flaming pile of clichés that I can’t get behind. He’s the poetic villain who is constantly quoting the FF7 play Loveless. When he decided to go completely nutters for no apparent reason he brought clones into the whole affair. God I hate clones more then almost anything else. You know what’s worse though clones with one ****ing wing! I think wordpress has started beeping me out. anyway this guy quotes Loveless enough that his friends can quote it! Because I’m sure Sephiroth cares about Loveless…..

golbez

In spite of all the clichés and two really gay reveals that came around because of this guy, I will admit to having a bit of a soft spot for Golbez. At the heart of everything, aliens and long lost brothers aside, Golbez was actually pretty damn well written. So yeah I admit it, I’m sweet on Golby.

hojo

Hojo is a mad scientist who did experiments on his wife, his son (theoretically that kind of thing always comes into question when lovers are involved), his wife’s lover, and at least two random dudes he found laying around somewhere. Why would he do this you might ask, because he found a naked alien  and went “hmmmm….. I wonder…” Hojo looks like a muskrat and his gif looks like its wearing a white dress.I’m pretty sure that whether or not they deserved it he singlehandedly ruined the life of every named cast member in the game.

izana corpse

Izana came off as an older brother that you really wanted to root for. He was nice and kind of cute, the worst thing about him was that he was kind of average…..

izana

Oh and he died in the game’s opening. Even dead though I would have taken him over his brother….. whoever it was we were just talking about.

jecht

Most people that like Tidus hate Jecht and vice versa. Me though I kind of hate them both.

Jessie-ffvii-field

Then there’s FF7’s Jessie with a slim waist and decent hair,,,,wait what?

untitled

Oh my god for the last seventeen years I thought Jessie was a boy.

cloudjessie

And people ship it with Cloud Pong Strife …or at least Naruto cosplaying as Cloud, didn’t see that one coming.

joker

Joker, God I am so curious about this guy but there’s so little to on….

josef

Josef not only looks scary beyond all reason but his story was really annoying. And they make you sit through it twice. This is the freaking story they make you gather in Final Fantasy 9.

kazusa placeholder

Kazusa…oh Kazusa….I’m not even sure where I should start with this guy. He randomly drugs students, has Khalia’s guards watching him nervously, and has a secret lab in the school. I’m amazed that the commandant was more worried about class zero’s activities then what this guy was up too…. I said Setzer was a borderline sex offender but this guy….with all the talk about Khalia’s body and the naked spell and the way he talks, I could probably fit another six ands to make this histories longest run on sentence but I’ll just let it go now….. Anyway he’s not Hojo creepy, but dammit he sure does try.

kefka

No.

kiros

Kiros actually has a pretty nice face and his hair frames it nicely. At one point he told Laguna “your manliness score is right around -3″which earned a whole lot of points with me.

Kuja

Kuja I’m not even sure If I should have on this list, to this day I still don’t know if Kuja is asexual, a him, or what. Whatever it is though it’s gorgeous, with the lip gloss, feathers, sadistic attitude, and an outfit that would give Albel Nox a run for his money.

kujatrance

Then there’s this pile of sex and feathers!

kurasame

Kurasame affectionately known as grate-face is mean, no I mean like really mean. My sister says misunderstood, I say he’s only nice to the tonberry and misunderstood people don’t throw students across a classroom.  I mean even in the alternate happy ending he comes of as dismissive. One could argue that he died for a noble cause, but that makes him a war hero, not nice, Sephiroth was a war hero too mind you. He did get pretty defensive the first time Kazusa drugged one of his students, he let it go after that time though. Shredder here also looks scary beyond all reason (which is fairly good by comparison to some of the other people here I’ve referred to as scary on this list) just don’t tell him I said that.

kurasame2

He was ridiculously cute once though.

larsa

I am forced to give Larsa mad props for being the sole character that made Final Fantasy 12 worth anything other then an eyeroll. He’s cute, sweet, and well spoken. Also probably 14….ah well.

Leo

General Leo is not one for romance, or at least not when it comes to a girl as young as Terra. Which is reasonable. Leo was really cool, even Kefka described him as being a great guy……which is of course why he had to die. This was the first time a video game death completely traumatized me, Video game characters didn’t die and if they did an extra life would fix it….but then there was a grave and he was gone….

marcus

Marcus looks  vaguely akin to a goblin, but less green. He was a nice enough guy for a kidnapping creeper but seriously did the whole troope all come from a freak show?

 

naghi

Naghi talks kind of like a valley girl and I kind of want to kick his face in. He’s nice enough. but god his voice.

Palom

Palom is cute and fun. He has a lot of energy and is a great spell caster. He kind of looks like a gremlin and is approximately seven years old. He probably won’t be getting much older either since he turned himself to stone.

qator

Qator we referred to as not Seifer for awhile, but somewhere along the line it occurred to everyone in SIMON that he actually isn’t that bad and referring to him as less then Seifer is an insult to him. Seifer was a complete loser with no redeeming qualities, but Qator was actually kind of a cool dude and pretty heroic in his own right.

quon

Quon has no friends in the game or here. He has nice hair and not much else going on.

raijin

I have a little bit of a soft spot for Rajin, with the exception of his obsessive use of the word yo. He had some really funny moments, and I stole a cool summon from him and Fujin.

kh raijin

No soft spots for this one though.

reeve

Reeve…. Reeve….. Reeve. I have so many issues with Reeve. He is such a freaking pansy. The whole of FF7  he spends hiding behind this…

caitsith

…..Cait ****ing Sith not only is he hiding behind a stuffed toy, but he gave it the most annoying persona ever. Ack I hate this thing so much.  He also has the worst Limit Break in the history of freaking limit breaks, this includes the FF6 ones which were so rare you never got them and Rinoa shooting a dog off of her arm. /he betrays your party and is painfully obvious about it even. And then they try to make you feel bad when the stuffed animal gets crushed only to bring in another one. My god Reeve you are so manly and tough. Oooh baby ooh baby.

reks

Reks was a cute pointless trope. He has a great look from the shoulders up, horrible armour,  but a very nice face.

reno

Reno is easily my favorite final fantasy npc. He was cool, sassy, and kind of awesome. He’s immature and has a tendency to gossip. He’s not nice, but he knows how to have fun and get his job done. He’s really dedicated to getting his job done.

.....reno....

Reno’s charm can fundamentally be summarized in this one picture.

Reno

But the best thing about AC was definitely the updated graphics for Reno’s design. Well that and him and Rude’s comedy. I really dig these guys. Still wouldn’t go out with him, but stalk with a pair of binoculars or go out for a drink sure.

rude1

Rude has always been wickedly cool, he’s quieter then his counterpart Reno and on the surface has always been a lot more serious. Rude’s jokes are significantly more subtle, but still there. Enough to remind you that Elena is the Turks straight man and that’s how things should stay. If Rude’s your guy of choice he’ll protect you in fights even if he’s supposed to be taking you into custody he cast barrier on Tifa when they were fighting) overall for a mass murderer Rude’s really kind of sweet.

rufus

Rufus Shinra….. you know another knock I have against Cloud Pong Strife is him not letting Rufus explain how he got away from Weapon…. Anyway towel head Shinra doesn’t have much appeal. Sorry fanboys and fangirls but pretending to need a wheelchair and then putting a piece of bathwear over your head isn’t really very sexy….unless your one hell of a kinky bastard.

Rufus

Rufus can take a licking and keep on ticking Shinra manages to recover from his fake illness of course and runs around with the turks, which is in fact his cool point. Oh and he had a really awesome dog before Cloud killed it.

imagesY4STQ3CD

Also is it just me or does his gif look like it has toilet paper rolls wrapped around it’s arms and legs……

ryid

Ryid is a character that I have yet to interact with a whole lot but he looks cool. Kind of like if you drew a human fanart of Darunia…

seifer

Seifer Alamasy 8’s bad boy that has somehow garnered a fan following that is ridiculously large. I don’t get it. As far as I recall his only redeeming quality was……..

wait....this is hot

Wait that’s not quite right he didn’t really have a good quality. I honestly think the only good thing that came from Seifer was getting to lie to him when you were being interrogated.  There was also a minor enjoyment in that he hated my party just as much as I did.

kh seifer

Tetsuya Nomura must be stopped.

sephiroth

Sephiroth had some of the worst bangs in vg history. In official art his face is downright ugly and I’m not sorry about this but he has a stupid outfit too.

sephy

Why the heck would you believe anything written in Hojo’s reports? The mommy issues aren’t even justified because his mother is Lucrecia not Jenova. Believing Hojo’s reports, god this man is stupid. And he looks like a zombie in AC art.

sephiroth_crisis_core

In Crisis core Seph still looks pretty questionable, but not quite as bad as the two previous incarnations. He seems like a halfway decent guy. His friends all went crazy though, with the sole exception of Zack (who may or may not have been cuckoo for coco puffs before the game ever began), and that probably doesn’t make for very good influences in his life.

kh sephy

God**** stupid one wing. The red trim just makes the outfit look worse.

 

tokito

Tokito is  an amazing character. We never saw his face, but I still wanted him to get the girl.

Tseng

Tseng is a sexy sharp dressed man. He’s got a nice look. However he’s taken? Rumor has it that somewhere in the flaming pile of mess that is Final Fantasy 7 he asked Elena out to dinner, and she wants this man and probably wouldn’t let him go….ever.

tseng2

Though he is kind of a little bit….mean… Maybe it’s because he was in the war….. Still he will fly in on a helicopter to provide air support for his allies (Zack) which is actually fairly nice, or would be if Zack weren’t running away from the monsters and the spray of bullets.

vayne solidor

Vayne Solidor is on the pleasant list of FF12 people that look like they never wash their hair. He’s also  on the ever growing list of people who I’d rather date their brother. He was really interesting before the games plot fell apart.

ward

Ward was cool. Not as cool as Kiros, but cool. He’s a big burly mute dude. So here we are back on the quiet types again. I think I’ve already run all my Jafar quotes into the ground though so moving on.

Yang

Yang is a cool dude in really ugly pants. He was a wicked cool fighter and a staple character for mid game training in 4. His wife possess the strongest weapon in the game though, so if you decide to go after him do keep this in mind.

seriously

Seriously though if this is the Final Fantasy dating pool there aren’t many fishies in the sea….not that don’t have daddy issues, mommy issues, brother issues, or alien mommy issues. What is wrong with these people?

tonberry

So I dub Tonberry to be the most datable guy on this list. He’s quiet, sincere, and sticks by his friends. There’s also the fact that he’s just ridiculously cute!

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About Tekizen

I am a thirty two year old fujoshi. I adore Aniplex and Capcom both to a near criminal degree. I love cosplaying. Some of my favorites to date are Miles Edgeworth and Chrollo Lucifer. I am also currently working on Tatsuya Suou. My absolute favorite genre is mystery. I LOVE a good mystery. I have a varying degree of fandoms. I love a lot of different anime, but I can honestly say I love old school american cartoons just the same. My favorite book is The Bacta War in the Star Wars X Wing novel series. I finally beat the Demi-Fiend! He was freaking hard!. I think that's all for now though.
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