Where Have All The Good Guys Gone: Final Fantasy Edition

ffbanner

I’m going to start by saying this article is not for the easily offended and it’s meant mostly as a joke. So back by pseudo popular demand Where have all the good guys gone. Just how datable is your favorite Final Fantasy party member.

Warrior of light

Final Fantasy 1’s Warrior of Light is one sexy piece of tail, but he’s more then that he’s the arch typical Knight in Shining Armor. And it works so good for him because he’s good at it. His very first quest is to save the Princess. Epic level heroes like Link take hours upon hours of gameplay to save the princess, but this guy, he rescues Princess Sarah mere minutes into the game.  Great hair and nice armor make him look quite fetching, not a bad prize to be won….on the surface. Scratching away  at the paint though reveals a perfectly blank slate. there’s literally nothing there. He has no canon name, personality, or home. You literally know absolutely nothing about him other than he has a helmet that makes you want to make ‘horny’ jokes. I will not apologize for that. The plus note is with not having a personality he also has no dialogue in his game of origin, which might make him the perfect man for some.

squallcloud

….oh yeah. We’ve kind of gotten used to guys that don’t (Squall) or shouldn’t (Cloud) talk anyway….

firion

Firion is a pretty impressive case because I played over half of Final Fantasy 2 I can genuinely say I don’t remember anything about him…..I had to look up his name in the Theatrythem booklet. Did he do anything? Does anyone remember this guy?

luneth

Final Fantasy 3’s hero is Luneth, whom I affectionately refer to as Looney. He is rather cute, very curious , and quite brave. However curiosity can be a bane at times and on more than one occasion Luneth’s curiosity gets him in sticky situations and he needs his friends to bail him out. He’s also canonically fourteen years old…..which is under half my age….which is a problem. there’s also how frequently he changes jobs…..

arc

Oh my God Arc is ridiculously cute, I mean this kid is like super puffy. He is Looney’s best friend, and the studious one of the group.  However he’s also just a tad bit of a coward….. Well not everyone’s perfect, also fourteen too dammit!

ignis

Ignis is pure undiluted proof that giving a blank slate character a personality in the revision isn’t always a good thing. Luneth and Arc both came out of it pretty well, but Ignis acts like he has a stick shoved where the sun don’t shine. He is aesthetically pleasing, but that’s really about all I care to give him.

cecil

Cecil Harvey, god I don’t even know where to begin with this guy. He starts off the game looking scary beyond all reason in his Dark Knight get up, but even then his personality is killer. His efforts to save Rosa were fantastic! And he cleans up amazingly well, the moment he loses the evil get up we see long flowing silver hair and kind eyes. Cecil is loyal beyond all reason to his girlfriend and is truly a hero worth looking up to. His biggest problem, number one is that to date him you would have to find a way around Rosa who is probably the steepest competition in Final Fantasy history.

kain

Kain on the other hand is kind of a loser (My keyboard just tried to make loser all caps) he is a jealous horrible person, who because of his weak feelings gets brainwashed….. not once but twice. I have no love for this man, coolest things about him, he has a ponytail and Freya fought with his lance in ff9.

Edward

As despondent as I am towards Kain though I hate Edward more. He is dangerously close to being hands down my most hated Final Fantasy character ever. And I’m fairly confident that everyone reading this already knows why. He looks nice, but not quite as nice as Carl from Tales of Destiny. And his incessant need to run away from combat…. GAH! He’s loyal, he looks great in his cinema shot, but I hate this man.

edge

Edge I have issues with. For starters his GIF on the menu screen for both the snes and playstation versions looks like Prof Oak wearing a ninja mask. No I won’t take that back either. I also find his unwillingness to back off of Rydia kind of stalkerish and a little bit creepy. He’s a very pleasant guy and one of the most badass guys in FF history, but at the same time Professor Oak…..in a ninja mask…..

bartz

Bartz was a pretty cool dude. I really wish Dissidia had made him look cooler since this is the only cinema version he’s likely ever going to see and I keep wondering “why a toga?” but I digress horrible taste in clothes aside I like Bartz he was witty , clever, and the only protagonist to start off with a chocobo. That rocks, However Bartz like Luneth can’t seem to stick to one job. Hmmmmm…..

ff6locke

Locke Cole is what happens if you try to make the cool roguish guy sensitive. In other words he’s a complete failure as a human being. Locke is a liar and a thief, but he’ll tell you otherwise, ” a treasure hunter” he says, but he has the command option steal. He STOLE some merchant’s clothes :/ and can steal a military uniform as well, for the better half of the game all he does is steal. Then there’s his girlfriend Rachel, Rachel was killed and Locke had a herbalist keep her body in storage and preserved just in case he found a way to revive her. Ummmmmm yeah….scary. And while ‘trying’ to res his dead broad he is emotionally cheating with both Terra and Celes, WTF Locke?

edgar

Edgar Figaro is an amazing guy. He’s a bit of a flirt and a charmer, but he always seems fairly innocent about the whole thing, though he did hit on Realm once which does count as a point knocked off. Edgar is the King of Figaro and is a freaking genius (Gerad aside). In a world where there is limited technology he designed a castle that can burrow and travel underground. Which is amazing in every sense of the word. Despite his childish behavior he has a very strong sense of responsibility choosing to live his life caged by rules and regulations while his twin brother was free to do as he pleased. I adore this man. Add in a ponytail and a chainsaw and we have a winning lottery ticket here.

sabin

Sabin on the other hand I always kind of liked, but not the way I liked Edgar.  The more time passes the more I see Sabin as being kind of a selfish jerk. He comes off as a perfect cliché of a musclehead who never thinks before he acts, and aside from jumping off the raft I can’t think of anything this guy did to win me over. And no rabid fangirls being shirtless does not count.

Setzer

Setzer I always thought was cool. However this post is about datability and not whether or not I thought they were neat. At the heart of all matters Setzer is human scum. He is a kidnapper, a borderline sex offender, and a gambling addict. As fantastic as he is, and don’t get me wrong I love the guy to death he is almost as creepy as Locke is. Almost….. No bodies going on here at least.

shriek

GYAH!!!!!!! But then Kingdom Hearts came into the picture and well this happened which is painful to say the very least. For fans of the character and fans of the game…. well at least he doesn’t look like a bug anymore.

cyan

I commented awhile ago that the Warrior of Light was the classic White Knight which is nice, but Cyan is the reality. He’s an older knight with a wife and child, who both die, horribly. From there Cyan becomes somewhat jaded. It’s kind of sad to see, but makes him one of the best characters in a game full of great characters and Locke. He isn’t in my taste personally but I could see him having appeal.

Shadow-Interceptor

Shadow has a gray face. I’m not going to lie this has bothered me for twenty years. Not even joking. I also have some mad issues with “would slit his momma’s throat for a nickel” This is in a world where there are in fact no nickels. Just saying. Best thing about Shadow is Interceptor. Period, end story.

Gau_2

I thoroughly expect that Gau has fleas, I don’t want fleas. Also you would have a batshit crazy father in law. Pass.

7-cloud-c

Cloud ‘best thing since Pong’ Strife is a pathological liar. I’m sure we all know I feel about those by now. He is an army washout, and a loser. I think the number one thing that made me angry about Mr Strife was “I’ll be your living legacy Zack.” Wait….wait….Zack? The same guy your going to be claiming to have not known while hitting on his girlfriend… in like an hour? That Zack? Cloud is a terrorist who states that he does not care about the planet or the military. He has no motivation other than money and is in fact extorting his childhood friend for money. He is a puppet used by the villain [spoiler] it’s Sephiroth! [end spoiler] and a science experiment of Prof Hojo, and his hair makes it look like his mom slept with a chocobo. He is prone to believe anything, and don’t even get me started on that Mako poisoning bullshit.  Positive notes I really like his shirt, which may or may not have been stolen from Zack. He has a cool bike that he stole from Shinra corp. and a he snowboards. He’s also a kleptomaniac, before anyone decides to argue that: Ship, bike, and submarine just to name a few.

cloud

The only plus not to Advent Children is…..his hair went from chocobo lure to feathery. Not even recognizable as the same guy anymore. Oh and he stole Squall’s necklace and pinned it to Zack’s…..his shirt……

cid

Cid is an abusive psychopath. The story we are fed is one of the woman Shera ruining his life, we get that he was an angry violent brute right from the get go and the worst part is that this is from the point of view of someone who loves him. Ye-ouch. He also smokes like a chimney lusting for cancer. Nobody wants to kiss an ash tray. End story. He does have dynamite though and apparently drinks tea. These two things have to count for something right? Right?

7-barret-c

Barrett is possibly the biggest loser in this game already full of losers. He is the worst dad ever. Marlene stay and watch the bar, well I guess we can take your pay out of Marlene’s school money, oh strange lady that I just met how about looking after Marlene….Seriously dude? Point two gun arms aren’t sexy, for that matter nine times out of ten (congratulations to Eury Evans on being number ten) guns themselves aren’t sexy, let alone being caressed intimately by one. Pass. Not only is Barrett vulgar, but he’s also dumber than a box of dead puppies. He seriously didn’t expect Shinra to come after them or set up any traps, or use their hired hitmen (the turks) or anything. Dumbass! Lastly though I will say that if he did indeed use the sailor suit as pajamas then he wins back one whole point.

Vincent_FFVII

Vincent Valentine (doesn’t that just sound like a pornstar name?) is the optional male party member in FF7. He is a guy you find sleeping in a coffin in the mansion in Nibelheim. He has been there since he was caught with Prof Hojo’s wife. Yeah you read that right, this guy slept with a mad scientists wife and then had the audacity to bitch about being turned into a science experiment. Way to go Vinnie V. The claw arm is about as attractive as Barrett’s gun arm, add in that he looks like a reject from a 90’s vampire anime and we are not looking at a winning package. Plus note he was a Turk once and the Trks are cool.

hojo

Seriously though he wanted this guy’s seconds. Ummmm ewwwwwwww.

deathgigas

Vincent’s only other positive is that he turns into a Frankenstein monster in battle. Which is cool for those of us who love classic horror movies…..not much for date appeal though. Also he’s 57 years old and hasn’t aged a day since 27. Not really sure if not aging is considered a positive or negative anymore, but it’s there.

cloucent

I really thought about putting this catastrophe under Cloud’s other two pictures, but decided it was more apropos to point out here that included in his kleptomania he stole Vincent’s cape too. 😀

zack

Zack Fair is the deceased would be the hero of FF7. I really like Zack and playing Crisis Core gave me some interesting perspective on not only him, but on 7’s confusing story (still doesn’t make sense by the way). Zack is like what happens if you take the cutest stupidest puppy you can find and perform genetic mutations on it, you know like we all do on a Saturday night…. I like Zack’s can do attitude, it was a nice change of pace from Cloud “pong” Strife. He is a dedicated friend and an amazing fighter, I’m pretty sure he would be an equally dedicated lover.  If Zack has one criminal flaw other than being unfortunately deceased it’s that he’s the type of guy who cares too much. Though even dead Zack is probably the most datable guy in FF7…. who knows maybe you can get Hojo to reanimate his corpse…..

squall

Squall Leonhart is not datable. ff8 is not a romance, it’s about two clearly unstable people who end up together because the story said so. I like Squall, a lot actually, however I see him as a character that is emotionally cut off from those around him, usually this is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Given the only time we see any form of medical care in this game is in the first three seconds ‘m going to wager Garden probably doesn’t care about mental disorders. Squall is attractive, he has a nice head of hair and gorgeous eyes, but I’m telling you not stable and looks can only get you so far. A lot of people (like my husband) blame his despondency on being left at the orphanage as a child when his sister was adopted (errr abducted) but Squall doesn’t actually remember that. I would say more so the cause of the problem is not remembering his childhood at all, and his personal coping method was shutting himself down. So anyway nice totally undatable eye candy. There’s also the fact that Squall may in fact be dead and there isn’t a Hojo to reanimate him.

leon

I never thought Squall had the best fashion sense, but Leon kind of takes the cake. Who in their right mind would wear a short sleeve leather jacket? Surprisingly though Disney did leave his X marks the spot belts alone.

squall dissidia

  • What the hell is with that shirt? Dissidia Squall may have de-aged like five years and squalliegotten ridiculously cute, but that shirt is simply unforgivable. His alternate costume with the tank top and chain is more than fan servicey enough without having to get a woman’s shirt for his normal costume.

zell

Zell has so much wrong with him appearance wise that I don’t even know where to start. I would have tossed this brat in an orphanage too just for having that hair. Also facial tattoos aren’t cool, they will never be cool. I mean what is that even supposed to be?

irvine

Irvine is on that special list of top five most hated ff characters. This guy and all his talk about the lonely life of a sniper, oh boo hoo I can’t shoot crap, it’s just that crap. Also if you know that guardian forces eat people’s memories may you should tell your childhood friends that instead of watching Squall spam Shiva like it’s going out of style. My Squall should have been a goddamn  amnesic who couldn’t remember five minutes ago with the way I used them. Now that I think about it that could explain his change towards his party members as the game progresses Squall can’t remember anymore that he hates these people….. Right well didn’t mean to get started on Mr Leonhart again…. Irvine should have been god’s gift, he’s a freaking cowboy with a sawed off shotgun. Holy crap, but looks really will only get you so far.

laguna

The first time I ran into Laguna in ff8, I really hoped this wasn’t going to be a thing. I didn’t like anything about this guy. He wasn’t charming, or cute, or funny. He was actually kind of an insensitive jerk…..

laguna2

Older and worse for wear, aged Laguna looks reeeeeal bad. Oh but this ‘hunk’ is back on the market.

zidane

Have you every wanted to date a gelfling? Nows your chance with Zidane Tribal. He is a flirt and a cutie, but his flirting always came off to me a little less innocent than Edgar (probably from the scene of deliberately touching Garnet’s butt). Still there are worse perverts out there. Zidane barely even qualifies. He’s a good friend who offers advice when he thinks it will benefit his friends. Zidane is also a thief and a would be kidnapper too. If I bring this stuff up for Setzer it’s only fair if it comes up here too. HIs outfit is pretty cute, though he could really afford to lose the cuffs. House bet currently is that either Cloud or Locke stole his sleeves.

steiner

Steiner is not a winner. He’s brash, fairly untrusting (rightly so), and fairly stern. For some reason though I found myself loving this guy because he was just so earnest in everything he did. He’s not a looker and he never will be, but he just put so much heart into everything he did.

vivi

Vivi is one of my favorite characters ever. He is such an adorable little sweetheart. However I was going to stick to human characters or you know close to it anyway, but then I remembered Vivi saying he was so happy to get married (to Quina) that I couldn’t help but point out how fantastic he is.

amarant

Amarant had a personality, I’m almost certain of it….I just don’t really remember it…..

tidus

Tidus isn’t real. Even by Final Fantasy standards. Which should knock him out of the dating spectrum but I’ll talk about him at least a bit. He is a whiny little brat, with major daddy issues. I didn’t think he was particularly good-looking and he has one of the most annoying laughs in video game history. His outfit is annoyingly non symmetrical. There’s also the fact that he looks creepily like Meg Ryan…..

Meg-meg-ryan-267924_1024_768

Tell me you don’t see it…..

Wakka_ffx

Wakka is a character whose appeal I really don’t get, but he did end up married to Lulu who IS a hot piece of tail so there must be something there. Also any man willing to go into combat with a ball as his weapon is pretty damn ballsy….

auron

Auron can go hang out with Zack in the cool dead FF characters section.

Vaan

I’m going to be perfectly honest I think Vaan is sickeningly  cute looking. However there is a distinct problem with ff12, these people had nothing to them. They didn’t even qualify as tropes there was so little there.  Regardless though Vaan is cute and if what you’re looking for someone who is exactly like every other person on Earth…well then anyone from this game is for you, you can just pick based on personal appearance preference.

balthier

Balthier should have been cool, and from any other game he probably would have been cool. He is the ‘dashing roguish’ character. Regrettably we talked already about 12 and it’s amazing lack of distinction between personalities.

basch

Still though I wouldn’t have picked Basch. His hair looks dirty, and he had what looked like a potholder strapped to his chest. There’s just no winning with this guy…..My dear sister just pointed out that he looks eerily like Jamie Campbell Bower except older.

jamie campbell bower

I kind of see it….

snow

Snow ruined winter for me. He also ruined heroes for me. And hats, and hobos……. I think Snow ruined everything he possibly could for me. This guy sucks, he’s irresponsible in spite of having many people’s lives counting on him and while he’s getting people killed he keeps calling himself the hero of the story. Ew. Also there’s the fact that he makes Basch look clean. And don’t even get me started on how sequel him looks.

hope

Hope is a flaming pile of cute. However he suffers from the Luneth syndrome, by that I mean he’s only fourteen years old. I’ve heard him described as insufferably whiny but he’s just a kid who just watched his mom die horribly and has been unwittingly turned into a slave to the fal’cie. I complained at fourteen over things like having to go to school or not getting extra dessert, I think complaining about your life literally going to hell is hard to ignore.

hopeolder

I could see where that would make people want to have Hope….wait I mean hope.

sazh

Sazh is insufferable in every sense of the word. I make fun of Cloud’s chocobo hair a lot, but at the very least he doesn’t have a chocobo living in his hair. Sazh is the stories comic relief character and that would be really cool….if he was funny.

ace

Ace has arrived! I think he’s fairly cute….in every shot except this one, where his eyes look hooded and creepy. He’s a fairly studious character who has an amazingly badass fighting style. I love his cards so much. I am willing to admit that he is slightly immature though it was his poor decision that got Isana killed and it’s hard to overlook that. Also don’t date Ace, he has horrible taste in women (Mutsuki) which would mean you are a horrible woman.

trey

I love Trey but I think he would drive me batshit crazy eventually. The reason is because he talks and talks and talks and talks and even more when you don’t want him to. He gets a special point on sex appeal though that belongs to him alone on this list, (FF12 might have had the option but I don’t really remember)  Trey is the archer and that alone is hot. Don’t judge me. Cast a mute spell on him or go find Carla and see if she can help out to make him a little easier on you know people in general.

eight

I think Eight is almost painfully cute. He’s a ridiculously badass little fighter too. However as with the other two Type zero dudes I must say he has a really big negative, it’s those pants with those boots. Oh no, this is a really serious issue. Regardless though he is super cute, and a little bit stupid. I thoroughly ship him and Cater though.

nine

Nine does not appeal to me. He reminds me too much of Ken Joshima from Katekyo Hitman Reborn. It’s all in the way he moves and talks. Given that I’m not a fan of Ken, liking Nine is really hard. He’s really stupid and has a tendency to say yo at the end of everything. I hate catchphrases… a lot.

jack

Jack caught me off guard I didn’t really expect to like this guy, but he’s so cute and so poofy that he just kind of grows on you, kind of like a fungus.king

Speaking of catching me off guard I was surprised to find King was a flaming freaking moron. He was actually fairly intelligent and pretty damn cool. I really really liked this guy.

machina

Machina however is something really special. He has quickly escalated himself to my number 2 most damaging to the plot Final Fantasy character. Tifa being number one of course. It impresses me that there is a near universal hatred of Hope for whining about his dead mom, but this guy goes completely nutters over his dead brother whom he doesn’t tokiyaeven remember, but Machina is like the golden child of this game. He has the gayest cape out of the group, it screams “Hi I’m going to betray you guys because I have a vampire cape”, he looks like a knock off of Mr Personality Tokiya Ichinose from Uta No Prince, and he has the lamest weapon in Final Fantasy history. I’m not joking he’s fighting with two giant screws. God help us all. I’m with Queen as far as this guy goes “If he wants to be the tragic figure he can go put on a one man show.” Oh and don’t even get me started on the ****ing ending……

incognitius

Incognit……..nevermind. Just forget it……

car meme

I will come back to these guys once we get some more news on them 😀

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About Tekizen

I am a thirty two year old fujoshi. I adore Aniplex and Capcom both to a near criminal degree. I love cosplaying. Some of my favorites to date are Miles Edgeworth and Chrollo Lucifer. I am also currently working on Tatsuya Suou. My absolute favorite genre is mystery. I LOVE a good mystery. I have a varying degree of fandoms. I love a lot of different anime, but I can honestly say I love old school american cartoons just the same. My favorite book is The Bacta War in the Star Wars X Wing novel series. I finally beat the Demi-Fiend! He was freaking hard!. I think that's all for now though.
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