Chess: The Console

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One of the first games that came out was Chess. I think. I might have to do research before I finalize that. Hundreds of years ago, this game’s inventors probably used this as a device to plan strategies for war. Nowadays, fictional characters use Chess as metaphors for manipulating people/scenarios. Chess is played on the table. The table has seen many different models over the years, Chess fits perfectly on most of them. The variation of Chess consoles are also very different. The one I have looks a bit broken.Folded Board

Oh wait, it folds out. Figure that…

Board2

CheckersThis was a three set game, the model I bought. It came with…poker chips?? I don’t play poker!! Gambling is evil and I grew up in a wholesome household that doesn’t tolerate evil games or bad language, dammit! Chess needs to clean up its act!

Alright, now I have it set up. That was kind of easy to set up, but where are the controller ports? I tried most of the controllers in my drawer, but nothing is compatible with this thing!No controller

Full setupOh…okay, I have to move the pieces manually. That seems like an awful amount of work. I already have to use my brain thingy to decide where it has to go, now I gotta grab it and put it somewhere on the board. So it’s kind of like the Wii, only instead of pretending to grab something, I actually grab it. What a novel concept. And why is there only one stage? What if I want to play on Black/Red/Black pattern instead of Red/Black/Red? What is this? Atari?? C’mon, Chess!! Get with it!!

Dynamic Pieces

As graphics go, it runs on reality, so unless you have really bad astigmatism, it should show up in 1080p. No opening cut scenes, other than slicing the tape off the box.

KEY CHARACTERS

Pawns

PAWNS: The most popular word chosen by villains to explain disposable henchmen. They can only move in a straight line and can’t be taught Hyper Beam. There might be Youtube videos of people beating the game using nothing but a party of pawns. I’ve heard it’s been done.

ROOKS:Rook1 The evolved form of Pawns. They gain the ability to go backwards, especially on their word. When the game comes down to the wire, they’re usually sticking around with the Queen, hitting on her and hunting down the opposing Monarch, while the cowardly King is quivering back at the beginning of the board behind two unmoved Pawns. Rooks are sly bastards. People only talk about them when they begin to wreck your business.

Bishop

BISHOPS: Despite being a holy man, Bishop likes to hit opponents just out of their blind spot!! What a dick! Their crooked ways are only more symbolized by the fact that they can only travel in diagonal paths. Played by Lance Henriksen.

KNIGHTS:Knights The chess piece that anyone who hasn’t played chess in a really long time forgets how to move correctly. These A-holes have gone totally Hollywood. Being the most popular piece on the board, they get sponsorships and TV guest spots. chess-eyecatch1

They hardly even call the other pieces to see how things are going and have become completely out of touch with their roots. The Rooks chill with the Queen, Bishop comes over and watches the game with the King when she’s out with the gals, and the Pawns…well, they all have each other. Knight is so wrapped up in the high life, the fall will be that much further down when things go awry.

THE KING:King Man, is it not good to be the King! This sad sack can’t do anything!! Spend all your years eating way too much mutton has made him lethargic and can only move one space at a time. When people storm your territory, your best offensive attack is turtling behind your rook in a technique called Castling!!

cASTLING

Whatever his glory days were are long behind him. When all the King’s men have fallen, his best tactic is running away like a wounded ibex as the bloodthirsty predators extend the inevitability of the hunt for their own amusement. The King’s best hope is that a future version of Chess gives him a handgun.

THE QUEENThe Queen Once it becomes obvious to the entire kingdom that the useless King is nothing more than figurehead, it’s too late. The Queen’s influence is throughout the ranks and they beckon to her every command. She’s so powerful, Pawns become her doppleganger when they reach the other side of the board! And if another standby Queen isn’t ready yet, a Rook will stand on his head for her. With this act, the original Queen bestows her blessing and grants the Rook her abilities, but only when she commands it! Now that’s what I call servitude! Or is that marriage? (Disclaimer: This was only a joke and should hopefully not lead to any kind of penalty in the foreseeable future. I’m sure my incredibly beautiful and super benevolent, forgiving wife will be reasonable and acknowledge that I am merely jesting!!)

 Sure, this is a fun game, but I haven’t really found a way to connect this thing online to see if there are any updates for it! This is really aggravating! This one has glitches, like not properly laying flat on the table! It doesn’t upset play, but it’s mildly annoying and this should be addressed!!

So, sure, it can’t connect to the online internetland, but when it’s all said and done, Lelouch plays Chess, so how bad can it be…?Code Geass Chess                                                HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!!

THANKS FOR READING!! YOU’RE ALL SUPER GROOVY!!

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About ColonelFancy

Comedy writer, video game reviewer, retro gaming enthusiast, artist and cartoonist, otaku. Advocate of science, logic, and reasoning.
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2 Responses to Chess: The Console

  1. Lehst says:

    this was probably one of the best things I’ve seen done for april 1st XDD

  2. ColonelFancy says:

    I had been wanting to do this for the last two years.

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