Where have all the good guys gone?

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Team Peeta? or Team Gale? Edward or Jacob? With so many “dreamy” guys out there to choose from, where do you even begin? Well to be perfectly honest I haven’t been too impressed with the guys in these movies. Why you ask, well when they are built up to be perfect beyond all reason how can a real guy compare to the descriptions of Stephanie Meyer, Cassandra Claire, and Suzanne Collins. Well anyway read more within.

 

Maze Runner

Thomas

Thomas

In The Maze Runner, he has been described by Chuck as a guy being five foot nine and having brown hair.

So congrats to Dylan O Brien for being accurate. Not that it’s hard to have brown hair mind you but kudos regardless.

 

dylan o brien

Dylan O Brien is not a bad looking guy, in fact I think he looks a lot like Josh Hartnett did as a teenager. Therefore we can presume that like Mr Hartnett Dylan here has another five or six years of being fairly attractive.

Newt

Newt-

Newt was described as being rather tall and muscular, with blonde hair that came down over his shoulders and a square jaw. He had a limp from his attempted suicide. He frequently used the British curse “bloody.”

……. Ummm wait…what? Muscular? Long blond hair? Also on a side note, no limp. In fact he seems to be the fastest person in the glade.

 

Thomas Sangster

Thomas Brodie Sangster is in fact a very tall scrawny little british dude. Personally I think he’s one of the cutest things ever, but by that I mean cute like a puppy or a teddy bear. You know huggable not, oh my god drop dead gorgeous.

Samueal

Of course part of my feelings on him could revolve around the fact that he will always be the Muppet from Love Actually to me.

Minho

Minho-

Minho is described by Thomas as an Asian with strong arms and short, black hair, who looked to be a little older than him. He is aggressive, tough, and loyal, and uses sarcasm a lot. Also noted to have one of the best senses of humor amongst the Gladers. He also likes to have the last word. His name was mentioned in an interview with the author, James Dashner, and he said it is a reference to a possible future scientist.

Okay well two out of three ain’t too bad. I’m pleased with how the movies interpreted him though he could afford to be a little more sarcastic.

ki hong lee

Ki Hong Lee is also not someone that I find particularly attractive either. Again I could see where outside of his costume (too dirty in the movie) he could be cute. Just not really special.

Gally

Gally-

In The Maze Runner, Thomas described him as a fifteen year old who was tall and skinny with black hair, green eyes, and a nose that was the size of a small fist that resembled a deformed potato. His voice was described as being scratchy.

So black hair in a kind of blondish way……other then his hair colour though I’m pretty much pleased with him. Will Poulter pulls off looking like a bull dog really well.

Will Poulter

Will Poulter- He does a fantastic job playing the bully but he also looks like the classic bully which cuts down his attractive level. Will has a massive forehead and really squinty eyes. Sorry not really my thing.

The Mortal Instruments

Jace

Jace Herondale (or whatever the hell his name is)-

Jace is known for and has a strong title for his good looks. He is described as having fine, curly, golden blond hair and eyes that look gold in the light with long eyelashes. He has a slim, muscular build and is about 5’11” in height. His face is often described as being beautiful, sexy, gorgeous and angular and Clary often refers to him as beautiful and leonine, with a narrow mouth. Like all other Shadowhunters, he is covered in thin, silver scars from years of applying various magical runes with a stele for battle and healing purposes, as well as permanent runes that look like tattoos.  The only flaw in his face, as Clary has noticed, is the slight chip in his incisor teeth. Clary is said to be relieved by this as it is a proof that he is not that inhumanly handsome and perfect. It is said that Jace is seventeen years old, though that was assuming he was Valentine (or Michael Wayland’s) son, and his real age is determined to be between a few years younger than Jonathan Christopher and a year or so older than Clary. After “doing the math” by looking through the things of his father Stephen’s, and the time the Uprising occurred, he discovered that he was born in January, and is six months older than Clary. Jace is also noted to be left-handed (like Valentine). He is said to look like his true father, Stephen Herondale, except around the eyes where he looks like his mother, Céline Herondale. He has a birthmark in the shape of a star on his left shoulder. The origin of this birthmark is revealed in Clockwork Princess.

Shriek!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good looks? Where? He has blatantly brown eyes, and very straight very messy blond hair, there are no thin silvery scars which is a pity because that could have been interesting. I don’t know what the hell they were thinking with this one.

Jace2

As compared to comic version Jace, he still doesn’t have curly hair but I suppose you can’t win them all.

jamie campbell bower

Jamie Campbell Bower is a very fun actor, he’s got a great personality. However he is very far from who I would personally cast as the sexiest dreamboat to go sailing down the river of love. Sorry but I kind of think he looks like a melting candle, or maybe a cro magnon…..

Simon

Simon Lewis-

Simon is said to be good-looking, though gangly, with both his hair and eyes a dark, coffee colored brown.  Simon often wore casual clothes, with characteristic word shirts. When he began dating Isabelle, Simon began wearing leather jackets instead of hoodies, and designer boots instead of sneakers. Upon getting the Mark of Cain on his forehead, Simon had grown his hair long to cover the Mark. Being a vampire also somehow enhanced Simon’s charm and general attractiveness. While he was considered merely “cute”, in a nerdy way, as a mundane, Simon had been called handsome and hot as a vampire. Isabelle mentions that where before he looked disheveled, he possesses an attractive look that suggests he has just gotten out of bed (“someone else’s bed”) Simon also no longer needs to wear glasses since his Turning.

I have very few issues with Simon’s appearance. I think he pulls of the gangly dork look pretty well. If I had issues with anything in regards to his appearance it would be his clothes don’t have anything fun or refrence-y on him. THere’s nothing to say he’s a complete dweeb other then one Ghostbusters ref.

Simon2

Comic Simon shows off a bit more of his geeky nature in the comic. This guy looks like the loser friend you’d talk about Trigun with.

robert sheehan

Robert Sheehan looks like a maniac, and I think it’s infinitely more appealing then his book nerd look. However I’m kind of glad there won’t be any more movies though because I would hate to see him try to pull off sexy vampire mojo. I think he’s kind of cute but that just has awkward written all over it.

Alec

Alec Lightwood-

Alec is tall and fit, with a thin, wiry build. He has jet-black hair that ends at his jaw and stunning blue eyes. He was said to share a startling resemblance with his distant relative Will Herondale.

I’ll be perfectly honest here, because I love my readers and I know you guys can keep a secret, but I think that Kevin looks waaaay too old in this role. What amazes me about that is I don’t think outside of this role he looks that old. Well whatever, I will give him that he is a fantastic beef cake, but not my Alec.

Alec2

Ironically I don’t really like the way he looks in the comic either. His head looks too small.

Kevin Zegers

Kevin Zegers is a very attractive man. He has gorgeous blue eyes and a very attractive jaw line. I’m really digging this guy. Still too old to be Alec.

Mags

Magnus Bane-

Having stopped aging when he was around 19. Magnus has brown skin, is very tall, with a long and lean body. His warlock marks are his yellow-green “cat-like eyes” with vertical pupils and his lack of a belly button. He is also noted to have a somewhat Asian appearance, due to the curve of his eyes. He has dark black hair; his hairstyles has changed over the years, ranging from short and spiked to straight and shoulder length. He wears all kinds of make-up, such as glitter around his eyes and lipstick. He likes to flaunt his beauty by often dressing in flamboyant and glitzy ensembles, which is seen by some as strange, or unique.

My one single solitary complaint is that Magnus can in no way shape size or form be described as a walking rainbow or Sparkles. Had they given Magnus some more makeup then I might have been able to make amends, but whereas I do think he’s the most attractive guy in this movie I can’t agree with the character choices. Pants or no pants.

Magnus2

 

As with the above statements I just can’t get behind the lack of colour on Magnus. It just doesn’t work for me.

gao godfrey

Godfrey Gao is a really cute really puffy kind of guy. I think he’s way more attractive without the coloured contacts but I think that’s splitting hairs. PS the kitten (now dubbed chairman meow) is adorable.

 

Divergent

Tobi

Tobias Eaton-

I actually could not find a good character description for Four. Which kind of breaks my heart. I do know though that he is in fact supposed to be eighteen not twenty four so what the hell?

Theo james

Theo James had to have had his eyebrows deliberately sculpted to look like he’s continuously questioning things. I mean he always looks either angry or confused. He’s not bad looking per say but he’s insanely average, I mean like super mega average. Having nice muscular structure will only get you so far.

Peter

Peter Hayes-

Peter is described to have angelic features despite of his rash personality. He is tall with dark shiny hair that gleams even in relative darkness. He has a wide white smile, his nose is long with a narrow bridge and his eyes are wide and dark green.

Well I guess if I were going to pick an actor to look like a puffball and really be cruel Miles Teller isn’t a bad choice the problem is we never see him look puffy in the movie. So angelic… not so much. I kind of wish his hair was a little bit darker but he’s not bad.

miles-teller

Miles Teller is kind of like Thomas Brodie Sangster, he’s really cute and really puffy, but not really hot. I have in fact in all the Teller movies I’ve seen thought damn that was sexy a grand total of once in regards to him. It was Whiplash in case you were wondering.

Caleb

Caleb Prior-

Caleb Prior has dark hair, a hooked nose with green eyes. He has dimpled cheeks. Tris says that if he wasn’t Abnegation, the girls at school would like him. It is mentioned that when he was younger his features did not fit him, but as he grew older Caleb grew into his features.

Honestly I could buy this description. I could see him cleaning up rather well, but maybe that’s because I have seen that. Anyway if I have one major issue with him it’s that he and Tris look nothing alike.

Ansel_Elgort

Ansel Elgort doesn’t really look too different in film then he does in interviews and magazine clippings. He’s a cute guy and I’ll be looking forward to seeing more of him.

fault in our stars

However I think he looked way better in Fault in Our Stars then he did in Divergent so we’ll stick to our Ansel having one leg and dying thank you very much.

Will

Will-

Will was described as a blonde with shaggy hair and a crease between his eyebrows. Physically, he was pale and solid, with an easy smile and green eyes the color of celery that glinted with mischief and light. His hand was bigger than Tris’s shoulder blade and his teeth were white and straight.

And again I say huh. Is figuring out how to make someone blond really that hard?

Ben Lloyd-Hughes

Ben Lloyd Hughes follows the tradition of Divergent. This movie has the most average looking cast ever.

 

The Hunger Games

PeetaBread

Peeta Mellark-

Peeta is described as having “ashy blonde hair that falls in waves over his forehead,” blue eyes, pale skin, and a stocky build, while being of medium height. (Although his eyes are hazel in the film).and in catching his looked more light brown a result of an infection injury caused by Cato and sustained during the 74th Hunger Games, Peeta’s left leg is amputated at the thigh, with him using an artificial one. (This was not shown in the film). Peeta is said to be handsome by both Haymitch and Caesar Flickerman.On several occasions, Peeta’s hair is described by Katniss as having wavy locks. Despite his living in District 12, he is slightly better built and more fit than others, especially people living in the seam, due to his family owning a bakery where he is kept better fed. In Mockingjay, following his capture by the Capitol, Katniss describes his mental and physical condition as slowly deteriorating, because of the torture and interrogation methods used on him.

I have no qualms with the choices made for Peeta’s design save one teeny tiny little detail. Pick a freaking actor that actually has blond hair instead of giving J Hutch a really bad dye job. Josh deserves better then this horrible hair!

 

josh hutcherson

Josh Hutcherson is a nice looking young man, how can you not like that nice dark hair. It looks really good on him. I am totally completely in love with Josh, but I really think it’s because he’s Peeta not because of his insanely good looks. I have in fact actually made numerous jokes that he looks like uncooked bread.

Gale

Gale Hawthorne-

Just like Katniss and most people from the Seam, Gale shares Katniss’ dark hair, olive skin, and grey eyes and is said to be over six feet tall by Katniss because when they met in the woods when he was only 14, she stated he was already almost that height. They look very similar due to their common heritage in the Seam, so alike that people believe them to be cousins in Catching Fire. In Catching Fire, it is explained in further detail that, when the  Capitol sent out interviewers to talk to Katniss’ friends and family, everyone directed them to Gale. The interviewers found Gale “too handsome and too male” and thought he might jeopardize Katniss and Peeta’s on-screen romance, and “so some genius made him Katniss’ cousin.” Muscular and good-looking, girls flock to him – Katniss herself says that Gale would have no trouble finding a wife because he’s handsome and strong. She describes Gale as a boy who could have any girl he wanted, because of the way girls whisper about him. Johanna called him “gorgeous” and Plutarch says that Gale is one of very few people with “camera-ready” faces. His good looks are mentioned throughout the series. She also describes him as smelling like apples, sometimes alder smoke and his skin smells like oranges. He is often seen carrying a militarized bow throughout Mockingjay.

I do not think that Gale is an unattractive individual I’m hesitant to say however that Liam Hemsworth is hot. Right, so there are a few problems pertaining to that. He’s super pale in that particular role making his lips seem even more prominent. I don’t really like it. Second like Josh Hutcherson, Liam doesn’t have his natural hair color. Dark hair simply does not suit him. Not at all. For being “The Hot One” I don’t think he’s like ridiculously gorgeous. I will say at least he doesn’t look doughy or like a cromagnon…..

Liam Hemsworth

Liam Hemsworth however looks really nice with blond hair. And a little bit of stubble definitely aids him. Another definite bonus is that he has a really nice smile. Gale never smiles. I pretty much mean that.

Finnie

Finnick O Dair-

He is, described by Katniss as extremely handsome. He is tall, athletic and chiseled, with tanned skin, bronze hair and especially stunning sea-green eyes.   In the arena, Finnick’s enormous stamina helps keep the alliance of Districts 4 and 12 alive, as he spends much of the first day of the Quarter Quell carrying first Mags and later Peeta (who is injured) on his back with little real effort.  The only time Finnick falters is when he is carrying Peeta away from the poisonous fog, and only because the fog begins to affect Finnick’s arms.  Finnick is extremely skilled at close-quarters combat and also has skill at throwing nets, spears of his specialty weapon, the trident.  Being from District 4, Finnick is also an excellent swimmer.  Katniss says that he never really needed to do anything to get sponsors as all he ever needed was his extreme good looks, and that no other could ever surpass his “natural beauty”.

One of the brilliant things about Finnick is the way that Sam Claflin carries himself in this role. He comes off having a very natural charisma no matter what is he’s doing. Offering you a sugar cube, charisma, fighting monkeys, charisma, tying knots, charisma. So where as Claflin wouldn’t have been my first pick for Finnie I think he does do a great job carrying the character.

Sam Claflin

Sam Claflin actually really looks like that. Aside from a little bit of bleach, that’s him right there. Not too far a stretch of the imagination. Take away his clothes add a little bit of glitter and bam Finnick baby.

Cato

Cato-

In the book, Cato’s physical appearance is not addressed beyond Katniss’s observations that he is a “physical wonder” with a robust stature and powerful, visibly well-muscled arms. He is the second largest tribute, only being slightly smaller than Thresh. He is capable of snapping a neck with his bare hands and demonstrates his raw physical power several times throughout the book, most notably when he single-handedly fights off a pack of muttations for over an hour.  

Robust stature and powerful arms? Yes please. Alex has this in spades.

alexander-ludwig

Alexander Ludwighas grown up a lot over the last few years and his efforts show. He has a very attractive face and gorgeous eyes (this is the blue I would have expected from Alec), and a fantastic body to boot. Playing a career in the Hunger Games suits him very much and the workout from it led to him being gorgeous in When the Game Stands Tall.

 

I Am Number 4

John

John Smith-

John has no character description seeing as the book is from his Pov. Personally I quantify this as lazy writing However I’ll be honest when I think about aliens hiding amongst us bad dye jobs are not at the top of my list of things to keep an eye out for.

AlexPettyfer

Alexander Pettyfer is a scary looking individual. I mean my god have you seen that jawline?  Cartoon Batman wants that jaw back. And dark undercuts only work on cartoon characters, real people should avoid this hairstyle at all costs. Bad hair and the shape of his head aside though Alexander isn’t the worst offender on this list…

Sam

Sam Goode-

Four described Sam as an underweight person who weighs less than the average person (it takes him nine minutes and fifty-four seconds to run the mile in the second week of class). John describes Sam weighing under 100 pounds.Sam has sandy blonde hair and hazel eyes. John later learns that Sam’s vision is excellent but he wears the glasses because they belonged to Sam’s father. In The Rise of Nine, Sam is described as having blue eyes. Though, in I Am Number Four, he is described as having hazel eyes.

Why is blond so hard? Are there no blonds left in Hollywood? I mean seriously why can’t any of these people match a freaking description? Since it randomly seems to change though I won’t hold his eye color against him.

Callan_McAuliffe_307

Callan McAuliffe is a pretty cute kid. KInd of looks like a reject from 10 things I hate about you, but cute nonetheless.

 

Twilight Saga

Edward

Edward Cullen-

Edward is noted to be extremely attractive. Bella has often described his appearance as similar to the mythical Greek god, Adonis. His facial features are described as perfect and angular – high cheekbones, a strong jawline, perfect eyebrows, a straight nose and full lips. His untidy hair retains the unusual bronze shade that he inherited from his biological mother, Elizabeth Masen. His eyes, once green, are now described as topaz or liquid gold. His appearance changes if he goes long without feeding: his eyes darken, becoming onyx black, and purple bruise-like shadows appear beneath his eyes. Edward stands at 6’2″, and has a thin and lanky but muscular body, remaining frozen physically at 17 years old, though he is technically over a hundred.

 

 

So last but not least I’m going to talk about the two guys that started this whole mess. Yep Edward and Jacob. I’ve never really gotten what it is about these guys. Edward looks dead (appropriately I suppose) with sunken in eyes and hollow cheeks. His eyes are a blatantly unnatural shade of copper? I’m going to guess they were going for golden. Well whatever the summary here is Bella is stupid.

Cannes Film Festival 2009 - Robert Pattinson Photocall

Robert Pattinson seems to have developed a major problem since Twilight. It seems he no longer has skin tone being in Twilight seemed to have sucked all of it right out of him. I don’t think his hair recovered either.

Cedric diggory

Once upon a time Robert was kind of cute too. For the whole six minutes he was allowed to be in Harry Potter as Cedric Diggory he wasn’t too shabby.

Jacob

Jacob Black-

Growing from 5’10 to 6’7 within one year, Jacob is the tallest character in the series, towering over Alice by nearly three feet and describing her as about the size of one of his arms. Bella notes that he would surely hit his head upon the beams of her new cottage. He is of Native American descent and in Twilight had a lanky build and wore his long hair in a ponytail. Though he looked too tall for his age, he had a hint of childish roundedness to his chin.  Around the time when he started to phase, his body grew tremendously thick, toned and muscular, similar to that of a serious bodybuilder, though balanced by his tremendous height so he doesn’t look out of proportion. In New Moon, upon discovering his shape-shifter powers and joining the Quileute pack, he crops his long black hair short. Later he grows it out to chin length in Eclipse because he thinks Bella prefers it longer. He cuts it short again in Breaking Dawn. Jacob is also said to be extremely handsome, with dark good looks, raven-black hair, russet skin (which Bella was rather jealous of at times) and deep-set twinkling dark brown eyes; Bella once described him as “sort of beautiful”.

Last but not least is Captain squinty eyes himself. Oh yes I mean Jacob Black. Jacob is what happens when you take a moderately attractive guy and try your damnedest to make them look unattractive. I decided to at least spare him a little dignity and leave the wig out of this. A tan probably would have made him look fabulous.

 

Taylor Lautner

Taylor Lautner out of Twilight has a skin tone go figure. I think Taylor is a fairly attractive individual. Like I said above a nice tan definitely raises his appeal.

So there you have it a rundown of all these “teen” heart throbs and my often times callous opinions on each one. Personally I think Alexander Ludwig is the clear winner here, but I’m pretty sure that’s because he’s so far in side character territory that they didn’t bother trying to make him look unappealing.

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About Tekizen

I am a thirty two year old fujoshi. I adore Aniplex and Capcom both to a near criminal degree. I love cosplaying. Some of my favorites to date are Miles Edgeworth and Chrollo Lucifer. I am also currently working on Tatsuya Suou. My absolute favorite genre is mystery. I LOVE a good mystery. I have a varying degree of fandoms. I love a lot of different anime, but I can honestly say I love old school american cartoons just the same. My favorite book is The Bacta War in the Star Wars X Wing novel series. I finally beat the Demi-Fiend! He was freaking hard!. I think that's all for now though.
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3 Responses to Where have all the good guys gone?

  1. ColonelFancy says:

    Your critique is unparalleled. Ludwig is an interesting surprise winner here. He will be proud.

  2. tekizen says:

    He should be proud. It takes a whole lot to impress me and he pulled it off

  3. A.J. says:

    Damn, I was looking for pictures of Miles Teller and came upon your article… it made me cry laughters. A lot of things you said were very relevant in my opinion. That’s why I love the internet

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