NIS Fest: Ar Tonelico Part 2 – You Are Useless!!!

A Lyner A handkerchief

A Lyner Girl taking care of me Lyner comes to and sees he is all alone, save for a handkerchief that the mysterious girl dropped.

A Lyner I wonder if she was from around here

Lyner takes the handkerchief, I assume in hopes of giving it back to her. I might need some clarification on this one, but if you dropped an important keepsake, thinking it may be lost forever, and someone returned it, I could see reason for joy. But a handkerchief? I think that might border on the line between creepy and serial killer/stalker.

Aurica and Radolf

At the sight of the crash, we meet Bishop Radolf, a seemingly patient and gentle knight, and Aurica, the girl who spends her off time looking for near-death patients to heal indiscriminately. I would’ve used her in Trauma Center.

Aurica and Radolf 2

B Aurica Theres nothing special lets head back

B Aurica Treat your girls well

Aurica and radolf 3B Aurica You made me singOh, snap! Busted!!

B Aurica I cant believe you would bring that up

“Oracle Asshat, this will be noted in your employee review.”

B Aurica Why didnt I think of that

Where’s a fog horn when I need one? Nothing like spilling the beans on what lazy slackers you are right in front of your boss.

B Aurica When will I get a partner

“Being mistreated looks like a riot and I want in.”

B Aurica that is up to Falss

Hehehe, “Bishop Falss??” That’s a great name for a swindling televangelist. It’s like buying a car from a chubby guy wearing four golden rings and his name is I. Fleecem! So, Aurica doubts her abilities as a Reyvateil (Damn, these nouns.), and would like to work with somebody, but thus far they seem to be treated as second class citizens.

Literally three seconds after the knights leave, Lyner stumbles upon his airship.

 

Lyner crash Well, it’s going to be an hour wait at the least for AAA and you have nobody to play Dixit with, so…

C Lyner Jack 1

…The someone shows up to see if they can pilfer the pieces of this prize. I love alliteration.

Jack ignores Lyner 1

Nobody respects the suit, Lyner. Perhaps you could try being less shrill.

C Lyner Jack 8

So I get my first full look at the guy, and he looks like he jumped right out of Trigun or something. A Full-Metal Bard, I guess.

C Lyner Jack 9

C Lyner Jack 10

C Lyner Jack 11

Man, I need that fog horn.

Jack leaves

I’m getting one of those Battle Angel Alita vibes (or pretty much any story where there is fish-out-of-water shtick involving a person from the “upper world” who winds up mingling with commoners. This stranger pretty much punked our hero, making him look completely inept and ineffective. The scoreboard so far reads; World-2, Lyner-0.

Before I move on, I just wanted to quickly say that if I am supposed to be defeating monsters in order to get stronger, I am going to be pretty weak if I have to constantly run away from monsters that look like this.

Nyo

Are you kidding me? This thing is SUPER ADORABLE and you want me to beat the living crap out of it?! You are sick, Gust!! Give me a plush doll of this little bugger, not harness it for EXP! Forget the fate of Platina, I want this guy as a Pokémon!! At the very least, give me some slimes or grey wolves to fight, nobody gives a shit about them!!

D Lyner 1

“It’s on the ground!”

D Lyner 2

Lyner gets to Karulu Village and is immediately impressed with its rustic serenity. Serenity comes to an end in…5…4…3…2…1…D Tenba 1 “Stupid Samsung Stratosphere! You’re useless!”

D Tenba 2D Tenba 3Sorry, I have to put this recap on hold. It looks like a 32oz bottle of transparently evil dickweeds spilled in my game.

Tenba rude 1

“Which is 77 cents to the dollar of what I make!”

D Tenba 7

D Tenba 8

“Now apologize, and you better not say you’re sorry for making me mildly late!”

D Tenba 9

BOOOOOOOOOO

Thank you for that, game. I haven’t had my fill of violence against women since I set fire to my Go Nagai VHS collection.

D Tenba 10

Alright, now Lyner is going to step in and show this jerk…

D Tenba 11

…How cool Radolf is at being a gentleman. Dammit, Lyner. More like Three Steps Behyner. Hahahahahahahahaha, KILL ME.

D Tenba 12

D Tenba 13

“Tenba is certified and legally binded under the Slap-a-Ho clause!!”

Holy Beatdown

Man, why am I not playing as this guy? Probably because he might turn out to be evil. But that might not happen. I don’t care if I lost 50 bucks when a character I bet wouldn’t be evil turned out to be, I’m sticking to my guns on this one! Besides, how many times has the clergy turned out to be evil in an RPG? Don’t you dare go to that Google search bar, I was be facetious!!

D Tenba 16

So the second anyone remotely the same size as him gets in his face, Chris Brown here bolts for the hills. By the way, these adorable in-game sprites crack me up when delivering harsh lines of dialogue. The Tenba commander looks like Captain Tsubasa in armor.

D Tenba 17

D Tenba 18

He’ll be dead by tomorrow morning.

D Tenba 19

D Tenba 20

Oh yeah, Lyner exists. He’s come face to face with the girl whom he has…not actually met.

D Tenba 21

D Tenba 22

With the way Radolf worded that made it sound like he’s meeting Aurica for the first time.

Aurica acts meek

CHEMISTRY EXPLODES ACROSS THE SCREEN!!!!!. I think that something is left to be desired here. I guess it was supposed to be a nice gesture from Lyner, but why be so persistent over a hankie? And, yeah, Captain Hair, if Lyner just introduced himself, that would be a dead giveaway that they don’t know each other. So far, dialogue is not this game’s strong point.

D Tenba 28

And Lyner is left alone with his thoughts, which I use loosely. The Oracle Knights leave, so it’s time to remember why you were really here.

D Tenba 29

Sadly, this isn’t an RPG where you can roam around and, you know, explore. You select the location, even the most paltry of choices (Inn, shops, world map), from a menu screen with the designated place. Even the screens where you romp around have little to offer other than a direct path to where the game wants you to go. It really does feel like this genre shot itself in the foot! Who decided that programming a sub screen from the main town was inconvenient? “You what would be great? If we got rid of all that travelling around bull crap. That’s been truly holding these games back!” I didn’t mean to switch into “review mode”, but I get pissed when these more powerful machines with all of their memory space and data make these games feel even more cramped and confined.

E Lyner 1

Just tell people you got shot down by the virus dragon. Just stating that you crashed it makes you appear even more of a boob.

E Lyner 2

E Lyner 3

I really need that fog horn…

E Lyner Jack 4

Hehe, I love the fact that Lyner crashes his ship and not a single person who has seen the wreckage (much less ask what that huge crashing noise off in the woods would’ve been) has even bothered to ask for survivors or injured passengers! There could be a smoldering corpse in the cockpit and they would shove it out the way like, “Sweet, a Hello Kitty key chain! If it isn’t GM, we can salvage it!!” So lyner FINALLY introduces himself to people, even if they don’t know who he is, it would help to establish that you are some mode of authority. And hey, this bears fruit, because the mecha-bard from earlier hears something that catches his mecha-ear.Lyner ID E Lyner Jack 7 FOR GOOD REASON!! YOU MIGHT BE LYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E Lyner Jack 8

BECAUSE YOU MIGHT BE LYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E Lyner Jack 9Do Platina Knights not carry some form of identification on them, or a crest of their allegiance? Or does Shurelia like to just mess around with this kid? People are not just going to take for their word if you’re just swaggering around with armor on, you could be swindling them. They have every right to ask for your papers, you dick-for-a-brain!!

E Lyner Jack 10 E Lyner Jack 11 Man, you’re killing me, Smalls!! The jerks you saw about 7 minutes ago! Wake up! I’m trying not to turn on this kid, but he isn’t helping me.

E Lyner Jack 12

E Lyner Jack 13 “Policing ourselves instead of soliciting business to poorly disguised, militant thugs and hustlers would be too proactive.”

E Lyner Jack 14 I assume he was either elected mayor through gerrymandering or whomever had the longest beard.

Mayor cheats “Heh, I can get these whippersnappers to do anything without liftin a finger!”

E Lyner Jack 20 Eh, at least it’s not adorable nyo monsters.

E Lyner Jack 21  E Lyner Jack 22E Lyner Jack 23 “And my Dad would totally think I was a major butthead if I called and said I crashed with only my learner’s permit.”

E Lyner Jack 24 So now that mecha-bard has a name that isn’t infested with ill-placed consonants, we can get moving, but something is bothering Lyner…

E Lyner Jack 25 Really? What gave it away?

Tenba is bad Seriously, when Mishima Corp. says, “Man, those guys are douchebags. And I threw my son and grandson into orbit! And they didn’t bring a dish to the last Evilcon potluck!” You might be a bad guy.

E Lyner Jack 29 E Lyner Jack 30 Smooth. Fortunately for Jack, Lyner is still trying to wrap his head around the concept of waffles.

E Lyner Jack 31

(Canned laughter and APPLAUSE sign)

E Lyner Jack 32

Well, I got a brand spankin new party member, and together we are a possibly stoppable force. Next time, me and my new best friend are going to go beat up a family of wolves because an old man is a cheap skate. Toodles!!!

P.S. Hitting women is not cool. Also isn’t cool is stalking girls with a napkin. If you want to charm a lady, do so through her curtains at night through a telescope. At least you’ll just come off as a psychotic perve.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About ColonelFancy

Comedy writer, video game reviewer, retro gaming enthusiast, artist and cartoonist, otaku. Advocate of science, logic, and reasoning.
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