I don’t usually do lists like this, they aren’t in my personal taste, but my husband and I were recently talking about companies that clearly want to give their fans aneurysms. This is not the case with Capcom, they want me dead, I’m sure of it. In no particular order here’s 15 surefire ways to prove it too…..
1.) Anyone who’s played Monster Hunter can straight up tell you that game was designed in the firey pits of hell. The difficulty rating on the quests is just plain sick. Here I am on my first fishing quest and BAM Bulfango right in the face. Thanks a lot. But this little rant isn’t going to be about Bulfango’s oh no it’s something far more nefarious….it’s the egg quests. That’s right carry this egg all the way back to your home base without dropping it. Ok, sounds easy enough, they don’t mention the velociprey, the melynx, and who can forget the wyvern. You can’t fight back, if you try you’ll drop the egg and break it, if you run out of stamina it breaks, if you get attacked it breaks, if you jump off anything that’s more than two inches below you it breaks, if an enemy runs into you it breaks. Did I mention the fire-breathing wyvern chasing you down? So once you finally through blood, sweat, and tears accomplish this painstaking mission….they tell you to go get more eggs. Thanks Capcom.
2.) Steel Massimo is a running joke in my house, or at least he would be if he could move fast enough to run. Capcom decided to release a very special game for the PS2 called Megaman Command Mission. “Have you ever wanted to play Megaman as an RPG?” No not really. “Great here it is” Well my love of Zero combined with vaguely masochistic tendencies won out in the end Steel Massimo is hands down the most worthless tank character ever made. He’s slow, has an accuracy rating that HAD to be in the negatives, and he was a bad character to boot. As if all that wasn’t bad enough they drop Zero from your party for this guy!
3.) In 2003 Capcom agreed to a pact with the devil. That’s right I’m referring to Dante’s appearance in Shin Megami Nocturne. This game is one of the hardest RPG’s ever made and Capcom helped to make it harder. How, you might ask. Well it’s simple Dante is a recruitable character, right now anyone who hasn’t played it is probably going…”cool!” This couldn’t be less accurate. To recruit Dante, you have to go all the way down to the fifth level of the Amala network, K not that big a deal. Then you fight him, he’s not hard, but still…. If you recruit him, he’s stuck in your party forever. You can’t dismiss him, fuse him, or get rid of him in any other fiendishly clever way you can think of other then maybe glitching him out of your party. His attacks are decent, his defence is average, and his magic sucks. This is not what you want in your party in a game this tough. It’s not even remotely worth it. Worse yet if you go for the true demon ending you have to deal with the guy.
4.) Back in 2005 the ‘wonderful’ people at Capcom released a set of figures dead set on making you dig your eyes right out of your skull. They released a second set in 2007. God help us they really hate our eyes. These sets were based on making iconic Capcom MALE characters into hot voluptuous babes. Please take a moment to let that sink into your grey matter. Are there seriously people out there that thought ” Demitri would make a hot Magical Girl!” My god man, come on, Demitri, Guy, Urien, Shin, Yun, Guile, Alex, Nool, and Anakaris are the unfortunate victims of this terrifying crime.
5.) Ok back to Guile again……Jean-Claude Van Damme is from Brussels in Belgium, yes Belgium. Why in the name of muppets is he playing the utmost American guy in the history of fighting games? Yeah, the casting of this movie just about made me cry. Not that the actors did a bad job with what they had to work with but this cast is so half assed backwards that it’s just sad.
6.) Hobo Nick……wow……I understand that Capcom really likes bringing in new leads to take the place of well-loved characters, but Phoenix Wright had the hardest fall from grace. Would he really stoop so low as to put Apollo’s career on the line with forged evidence? No I don’t think he would, not after losing his own badge, as well as the whole issue with Von Karma. Even above and beyond that though they made him into a complete jerk. Apollo and Trucy are the only things that make this game even payable. Even then just barely.
7.) Ken and Ryu are two of the most infamous buddies in gaming history, some people think this is because they’re iconic which is true, but for all the wrong reasons. I could point out all the times that these two have disturbed me to the point of wanting to go take a cold shower, but there isn’t much point. Anyone who remembers Streetfighter 2 V’s bath scene though knows exactly where I’m coming from with this one. I rest my case.
8.) Ok, I get that Klavier Gavin is supposed to be hot. Even as a raging fangirl he doesn’t really light my fire, but I see what they were going for. But on his Chibi keychain they seriously gave him a belly button. Like anyone is going to look at this piece of plastic and go “ooh sexy”. Also if that was your reaction please go seek therapy.
9.) Breath of Fire has a very funny tendency, it’s too take my absolute favorite character and make them into a villain in the end dungeon. Sometimes it’s the end boss, other times they just make you fight them for no apparent reason. Thanks a lot Capcom. You guys suck.
10.) Tank controls. Freakin’ Tank Controls, WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?! I can’t believe that they give you tank controls for Resident Evil! Why? Why am I playing with these controls? Why doesn’t hitting up make me go forward? Left is right, right is left. Screw this, screw this game, I’ll go kill zombies elsewhere. Thank you very much.
11.) I know that this was made by Banpresto, but I know they had to get Capcom’s permission for it…. This toy is the most ludicrous thing ever made. The bow-string is right in front of her face which makes her hard to display. Next her weapon comes as a separate piece, I mean as in you have to buy it separate. The way the bow goes together is a pain in the ass, and her face looks horrible. I’ll give her an actual review later though which will go into further detail on this catastrophe.
12.) Crimson Tears is probably the most nothing game I’ve ever played. The ‘characters’ are lacking, the story barely exists, and the levels are extremely redundant. You do get the rescue option if you happen to die….If you manage to die, which is nearly impossible, unless you do it on purpose, just for giggles to try rescue mode. Yeah this was a waste of fifteen dollars and 6 hours of my life.
13.) Disney’s Aladdin, wasn’t a good game. It was however the first game to ever try to give me an epileptic seizure with the scene where you’re escaping the Cave of Wonders. The controls were shoddy and blatantly ripped off the control system of the Star Wars Super Nintendo games. I couldn’t find the story in this one either. I’m sure it was there, but I honestly don’t remember it.
14.) Larry “If something smells it must be” Butz, is the ultimate catalyst of Phoenix Wright. The entire franchise when you get to the heart of the matter is his fault. Larry is a loser, and not even a funny one at that. He’s mentally incapable of learning and never ever pays for his lawyers services. Fail man freakin fail!
15.) Death of the franchise. I think that might be the goal Capcom’s been going for all these years.
Hobo Nick= Death of Ace Attorney
Megaman X= How many times can the heroes blow themselves up? At least once more as always.
Dante Who? = Nero? Who the Hell is Nero and why on Earth am I supposed to care? If he doesn’t eat pizza and talk like a ninja turtle then I don’t care.
Breath of Fire= Dragon Quarter….so I have to restart my game at various points to be able to beat this game….? Wait WHAT?
Resident Evil= Linear action game versus survival horror. Give me survival horror any day of the week and kiss the new games goodbye!
Streetfighter= Streetfighter versus the World! Shoot me….please. Who really needs Streetfighter verse the My Little Ponies….Actually I’d be ok with kicking the crap out of the new ponies……