ColonelFancy’s Top 10 Street Fighter Fails

20 years ago, Street Fighter II revolutionized the fighting game genre. With its fluid gameplay, iconic characters, and memorable theme music that can only be made more awesome by moshing to a Mega Drive rock anthem rendition of Guile’s BGM, Capcom’s tournament fighter is easily one of the most recognizable video games of all time. Not every road to glory is without its bumps, and this series has seen a fair share of them. These are my Top 10 Street Fighter Fails.

#10. Too much “II”

What’s with Sagat’s pose? He looks barely concerned about being struck multiple times by a 350 sumo.

Something that would become synonymous with Capcom would be the constant release of the same game over and over again with mild additions. Street Fighter II has seen more rehashes, remixes, and imaginings and face-lifts than Lara Croft! Okay, There’s Champion Edition, which is the closest the game got to the arcade port, on 16 bit anyway. then Turbo, which you could ramp up the speed, for some reason. Then Super Street Fighter II, which introduced five new characters, T. Hawk, Fei Long, Dee Jay, Cammy, and Cammy’s ass. After that you got Super Street Fighter II Turbo…JEEZUS CHRIST MACKENZIE, enough already!! It would be the first time in history that a title logo was killed after being crushed to death between prefixes and suffixes. Okay, we get it; Street Fighter II is very, very good and all of the extras are really fun and all, but it’s been four years, where’s part III………

#9. Street Fighter III A New Generation….Meh

…….Aaaand the awesomeness of SFII tiptoed right into SFIII, and it was fairly underwhelming in my humble opinion. I don’t mean to be particularly unfair to this game, but I remember a great deal of hype surrounding it. The fluid animation, a new, even crisper fighting engine, a fresh roster of characters. It really was built up to be a dawning of a new generation for the series, which I was okay with, since I was all “II’ed” out. the end result after years of anticipation was a perfectly solid fighting game that failed to ultimately garner the buzz its predecessor acquired. Another note is that Street Fighter III would be the first chink in the armor of Capcom’s cool character design, and this was III’s first problem. The new characters looked…..pretty bad. Alex, the series’ new protagonist, looked like a random, muscle-bound thug from Streets of Rage 2. Weird science experiments were becoming practical in fighting games at this point (Dural in Virtua Fighter and kickboxing kangaroos in Tekken), so SFIII gave us Necro, a Russian robot with stretchy limbs (Huh, thought they did that already. What was his name? Oh yeah, T. Hawk) and a little child he protected. Must not have paid attention to Darkstalkers, ’cause they covered their bases in the “strange-looking man protects little girl” department with Donovan and Anita.

“Do you have a pen? You need to sign for this package!”

And then there’s Gill, who upon first appearance looks like what I think is M. Bison’s subconscious brought to life. Cheezy Pete’s, why on earth would you ever need to remove that much clothing for a fight!? From the chest up, he looks imposing. until he reveals his cloth-wrapped thong at you!!

Aah! Got off topic there. Oh right. the only original characters who seemed to have a lasting impression were Dudley, Yin & Yang, Ibuki, though nowhere near as characters like Zangief, Blanka, or Vega, who were so cartoonish and silly that the down to earth new characters just seemed…..alright. Another thing that bothered me greatly was the new Super Arte system wherein you would pick your super move at the character select screen. I am not sure whose bright idea this was, maybe they were trying an influx of strategy. determining your attack method before the battle begins by selecting a super skill that best complements your play style. Sounds nice, except for one problem; I do that in battle already, you jackasses!!! Giving me one super is only going to make my fight repetitive! What can you possibly get out of limiting yourself to one super move per fight!? not to mention how damn tedious it gets to lose a fight, go back to the menu, select your warrior, and then select a new super move. If you pick Ryu and choose Shinkuu Hadoken and you’re fighting against Oro, a tactical projectile countering specialist, you have to get your ass kicked and do the whole thing over again! A minor caveat to some, I’m sure, but this got on my nerves. Graphically, the game was absolutely beautiful, and it needed its visual appeal to keep people into 2-D fighting games, what with the rise of Virtua Fighter and Tekken, as well as new entries like Soul Blade (later Soul Calibur) and King of Fighters. By the by, SF III was a pretty damn good game, all things considered, and it felt like a different direction, successful enough to warrant two spinoff games in 2nd impact and Third Strike, that increased the roster counts, as well as additional stages and music (What’s with the spinoffs? Is Street Fighter being fed after dark like in Gremlins?). But it wasn’t the be all, end all Street Fighter that people were expecting since its previous entry raised the bar so high.

#8. The “VS” Series of Games. What’s Street Fighter’s Problem!?: Was somebody looking at Street Fighter’s girlfriend’s cleavage? Did Capcom get sick of people criticizing them and began beating the shit out of anyone who disagrees with them like Uwe Boll does to his naysayers? When did Capcom become Likes to Fight Guy, looking for any reason to throw down with anyone in the bar because they had one too many drinks? I’d hate to be Bloody Roar, just sitting down, enjoying a drink, when suddenly Chun Li and Zero slam my face into the pretzels and break a bottle over my head!! The X Men, The Avengers, King of Fighters, and Tekken all got on the wrong side of fucking Capcom. I think you need anger management when you start trying to beat Gatchaman’s ass. I’m waiting for Capcom VS Gran Turismo so I can see Zangief 360 Piledrive a Mercedes-Benz!

#7. SNK vs Capcom SVC Chaos/Capcom vs SNK Millenium Fight:

This was supposed to the mother of all crossovers for me. Two of my favorite game developing franchises combining to make the ultimate fighting game. It had it’s promises, yes, but the execution of the two games I played left me a tad bit annoyed. I really wish I had a NEO GEO Pocket because it’s the handheld games I wanted to play so badly, so instead I banked my hopes on the two incredibly lackadaisical offerings of SVC Chaos and Millenium Fight. Several series of games were produced respectively by both companies, so it was kind of like pick your flavor, or poison in this case. It was around this time where my love of Capcom fighting games was dwindling fast. Marvel vs Capcom 2, while one of the most entertaining games I’ve ever played, did to fighting games what Scream did to slasher films; It gutted it of ingenuity and substance and replaced with flash, style, and cameos. SNK meanwhile continued the trend of slightly improving it’s KOF series, solid games, but with the exception of altering teams and appearances, began to look weary and old. By the time this great collaboration took place, it seemed to lack energy, and playing both games, it was clear. Capcom’s offering, Millenium Fight, is a better game than the former, but it’s not as polished as Street Fighter Alpha 3. And the damn team selection is stupid as all hell, balancing out the team numbers depending on the strength of the characters you pick. So if you went into battle selecting boss characters or powerhouses like Zangief or Goro Diamon, then it’s those two you go into battle with. What the shit is that fuck!? Again, like SFIII, don’t handicap me on purpose. Stepping on selection boundaries and making my game playing experience should not be in a fighting game. That’s strictly for tabletop DMing and LARPing. As for SVC Chaos, the game is remarkably unfun to play in single player mode. If you want to unlock true endings for characters, you can’t lose a certain number of ROUNDS!! Yeah, losing rounds will affect if you get half of an ending!! and this is one hard mother of a game, too. I don’t know how many you can afford to lose, it seems random. Not to mention that there are two final boss battles between the Goddess Athena and Red Arremer from Demon’s Crest, and the kicker is you only get ONE shot at them. Lose, and it’s game over. Now how the hell am I supposed to get good enough to beat them when I don’t get time to practice against them!? It’s bullcrap!! I played this game for months and I only truly beat it once with Iori Yagami (because I’m just that badass with him), and because I fought Athena, who is easier than Arremer, and the choice of who you fight seems to be random. This game acts like a spoiled child with its difficulty, the story and its subsequent manhwa blows, the selection of characters is disappointing for a crossover of this magnitude, and it’s overall not very fun. My hopes of the only potential crossover I ever cared about was cast off into a breeze of disappointment…………hey, is that Sub Zero fighting Batman? What the F..!!!??

#6. Street Fighter EX’s Original Characters: Oh, boy, now we are talking about some generic shite right here. If you thought that Sean, the Brazilian Shotokan Ken Masters fanboy or Iori ripoff Remy from Street Fighter III were unoriginal, then let’s take a brief rundown of the toxic freaks that crawled out of Capcom’s undeleted recycling bin.

First up, it’s Skullomania, the end result of what happens when you let you 8-year-old nephew design a video game character. and you “pwomised” to put him in, and he would look cool, ’cause he look likes a skeleton and skulls are cool, and it would be neat. Seriously Tekken’s martial arts tree thinks this is lazy. Next up is Blair! Yeah Blair!

Yeah, move the hell over, Cammy make room for this captivating….eh….handsome woman standing here, arms akimbo, whose personality is so captivating, it will make you overlook the fact that she’s wearing a generic white leotard, the Ultimate Warrior’s arm bands, silly looking chunky gloves, and high-heeled, thigh high boots guaranteed to make any kind of combat virtually impossible! So immersing a lady’s aesthetic appeal that her hair is same color as 50% of her wardrobe. Truly the epitome of dynamic. And we can’t forget her unforgettable bodyguard, C. Jack!

Or Cracker Jack. Or as I affectionately call him “An Attempt to Make an SF Character Look Worse Than T. Hawk” Surely, this guy was going to catch on, what with his shirt he stole from Adele from Disgaea 2 and Martin van Buren mutton chops. The kids would love him!!

Oh and check out Garuda. Once again, someone at Capcom headquarters wasn’t paying attention to Darkstalkers, because the demon samurai armor schtick was done. Do they have Alzheimer’s or something?

“Duh, hey let’s create a marine who is trying to track down Bison and stop him…”

“You mean Guile?”

“No, no, a different guy. He has a somersault kick and uses the Sonic Boom..”

“Yeah, dude, we already got that. That’s Guile.”

“But he doesn’t do it with one arm, so it’s totally not the same guy”

So, apparently this jackass demon samurai armor swallowed his sword and he uses it to stick out of his body and part of his armored curse is to unleash cheesy air juggle combos that would make Hwoarang stand up and yell, “That’s freaking cheap!!” Oh, and ignore the fleshy human arms in this bodiless, cursed armor. With the exception of the cute Indian girl, Pullum Purna, these are easily the worse character designs for a fighting game I’ve seen since World Heroes 2 Jet.

#5. No Ace Attorney Characters in Marvel vs Capcom 3:

Yeah, they went back and corrected this very obvious folly in Ultimate MvC3, but the fact that they waited until their obligatory updated quasi-sequel (In this day and age of DLC, what the hell is point of releasing a whole new game?) is pretty insulting. Ace Attorney is one of Capcom’s more recent popular franchises and most of the people I talk to were anxious to see if Nick, Miles, or Franziska would make it into the initial roster. Instead of hitting this obvious softball, Capcom chose to ignore them entirely out of spite and instead gave roster spots to Tron Bonne, perhaps the most undeserving popular character in Capcom history whose only claim to fame is being a prototypical mid 90’s bitchy anime girl in one of the worst Mega Man games, and Spencer from that shitty relaunch of Bionic Commando in 2008. Even Felicia and/or Morrigan could’ve been left off in favor of new blood. (Yeah, I’d rather look at middle-aged lawyers than sexy, scantily clad monster ladies. That’s how burned I felt!!) And to anyone who thinks putting characters with no type of martial arts in a fighting game is ridiculous, mind you, I was nailing people with 29 hit combos with a  cactus in the last game!!

#4. Street Fighter – The Legend of Chun Li:

Now which of these movies, just basing off of their posters, looks more appealing? A standard shot of people looking at you, or easily recognizable characters striking poses?

I believe the lesson here is “Appreciate something while you have it before it’s gone”. Now, while some context is misconstrued there, as the 1994 Street Fighter film is easily available on multiple formats and not purged from existence despite what my proverb assumes, the point is some jackasses thought they could make a better Street Fighter film than Steven De Souza. While Street Fighter the Movie is one of my favorite films of all time, the ability to make a better adaptation than the Van Damme/Julia vehicle is not only very feasible, but a colossal squid, a Fun Size Snickers bar, and the flea collar of Morris the 9 Lives Cat could’ve made a better film with a disposal camera and a $120.65 budget. The fact that The Legend of Chun Li is worse in every conceivable way is pretty embarrassing and your film  directing license should be revoked. I could go on a tirade on this alone, but I’ll try to be concise (too late). The 1994 film had a wide range of ethnicities to portray the characters, who are indeed, from every corner of the planet. The fact that most of the roles were cast ass backwards according to people and character races is beyond the point, but their heart was in the right place. it doesn’t matter that you cast Native American Wes Studi as the 7’5” Thai kickboxer Sagat, the point is that you tried.

“No, really! After a bit of makeup, he’ll look vaguely Asian and over 6’10”. Work with us, this is magic, people!!”

Chun Li Legend, on the other hand, didn’t even bother to look for an Asian woman for the role of the titular character. They just got that Canadian woman from Smallville and figured it would suffice. What, did Lucy Liu not answer the phone? Did Maggie Q really see King of Fighters as a better career choice? And Neal McDonough as M. Bison was laughable, at least the great Raul Julia put on the outfit. McDonough did what he could with the role, but he looked nothing close to what M. Bison is supposed to be. And then we got Black Eyed Peas alumni Taboo as Vega. Holy Jeebus Biscuits, do I even have to explain how FAIL this is!?! How much of that youth demographic did you need to pander to?! You’re already making a movie based off a fighting game, you cock cheese!! That’s all you needed! He resembles a platypus more than Vega, much less a Spaniard. And the Black Eyed Peas? Really? One of the most overexposed and annoyingly untalented musical acts this country has ever produced, and they have to be in movies playing sociopathic lunatics? At least when Kylie Minogue played Cammy, a) they got the ethnicity right, and b) she’s a sexy woman playing a sexy character. Taboo looks like one of those light-skinned black guys who could pass for being Samoan. NOT Vega. You can keep the mask on him as long as you want, I know a bad rapper is underneath it.

Even above that, the movie screws up very easy facts that it’s almost as if the director went out of his way to piss off fans. That crappy origin of the Spinning Bird Kick, and then it’s execution made the fight scenes in the original feel crisp and well thought out. The action looked like it was choreographed by a backyard wrestling federation. Balrog (Michael Clarke Duncan) uses a rocket launcher, a GODDAMN ROCKET LAUNCHER!! What’s so amazing is Capcom oversaw this project even more than the 1994 film, so how did they let this happen?! I can’t blame the film crew more than I can blame Capcom themselves for allowing this terrible product to make it to post production.

#3. Street Fighter the Movie – The Arcade Game

When astrophysicists try to describe a rip in the fabric of time and space and the universal laws of nature falling apart at the center of a black hole, this is what they are talking about. Capcom Alzheimer’s strikes again!

“So check this out. We have this movie based off of a video game, right? So now to promote the movie, we make a fighting game based off the movie that’s based off of the video game of the same name!! Eh? Eh?!

“Carl, honey, you’ve been working way too hard. We appreciate your efforts, but you should lay down and rest,” friends say, as they surround him with a straight jacket and cuffs.

“His name is Charlie, dammit!! He fights different from Guile!!!! He FIGH…!!!” and he’s tackled and escorted to a mental institution.

The game itself isn’t bad, it’s essentially Super Street Fighter II Turbo with Mortal Kombat graphics and funny dubbed dialogue, but it’s mere existence is kind of baffling. If only we can harness this inside/out, self-referencing, meta-philsophy, syphon out all of the stupid that came with its reasoning, and apply common sense, we might be able to travel back in time. A power source would be scarce, since the time machine would be powered by used copies of Street Fighter the Movie: The Arcade Game, and getting all twenty of the copies that were bought by a handful of people who thought they would worth something someday would be tricky. What was up with the Sawada guy? Was that supposed to be Fei Long?

#2. M. Bison: I can accept the fact that much like Dr. Robotnik, Bowser, and final bosses in RPGs that are giant blobs of meat with multiple forms and regenerating limbs, M. Bison isn’t going anywhere. But I believe that not just as video game fans, but as species as a whole, we have to finally admit in great unison that M. Bison sucks.

Not as a final boss battle, not as a character, not his Psycho Power, but his relation to the Street Fighter universe. Fighting games are not renown for their stories, since the focal point of the game is to beat your opponent senseless with a 14-year-old girl who stalks Ryu, but M. Bison has no real bearing to the game’s two main characters, Ken and Ryu. At least in his blood feuds with Guile and Chun Li, it’s personal, but he has little, if not nothing to do with the Shotokan brothers. In anime, he captures and possesses Ken on two occasions to battle Ryu, but that’s hollow and feels forced. Ryu’s main antagonist is Akuma, and Ken seems to have one foot out the door of Street Fighting to spend time with his bombshell wife Eliza and his son. At least until he becomes a future cop looking for the man who killed Troy.

So where does that leave M. Bison? Well, for me, a boat load of pointless, unanswered questions!! What does a megalomaniac need with two karate guys in pajamas? How does being a drug lord pay off to the point where you can afford state of the art technology like satellites and Black Jet Bombers and a high-tech facility to construct full functional androids and clones? What kind of stash are you selling to make that jack?! Is Snow Flame from New Guardians buying that much cocaine from you? What exactly IS psycho power!? How many times can you kill Charlie and his hair? The whole Cammy debacle: Did you have a pedophile relationship with a  brainwashed girl who couldn’t have more than 15 according to story or is she a clone that you created in your Psycho Power labs? How do you transfer your soul out of Rose into a new body scientifically? There’s some overlaying context with physics and various theology that makes that a tad bit impossible. It’s like constructing a car that runs on will power. Not to mention, how often would you need such a device? How many fortune tellers are after you to displace your soul? And that would also mean that there are dozens of nude Bison clones on back order in a closet somewhere. EEWW!! Why is it called a Flying Knee Press when you go feet first at your opponent? What does the M. stand for? Matt Bison? Margaret, maybe? This guy has been allowed to not make sense for far too long.

AND #1) Street Fighter Anime: Some things are certain in life; Death, taxes, and shitty anime adaptations of video games. For all the subgenres of anime out there, nothing brings my piss to a boil faster than fighting game-based anime, and Street Fighter has some pretty repugnant trash. At the very best, its average yet pretty boring (Street Fighter The Animated Movie), at it’s worst it’s really bad and unbearable (SF Alpha: The Animation). And in between, there’s the target of my frustration; Street Fighter II V.

This show is a wide awake nightmare, only made worse by the fact that it starts so promising in the first six episodes and the telling the Street Fighter Story from an Alpha perspective. Ken and Ryu are in their late teens and they are bumbling, cocky martial artists who get in over their head when they encounter Guile, who puts them in their place. Humbled by their defeat and humiliation, yet intrigued to learn of the various fighters that exist elsewhere in the world, they embark on a journey to travel the globe and seek out fresh challenges, no doubt encountering familiar faces from the games. This could’ve been so promising in theory, but the wheels came off nearly a quarter into the series when key alliances and rivals are changed, including complete character overhauls. Sagat, the hulking Muay Thai master who was scarred by Ryu’s Dragon Punch, seeking revenge by working for M. Bison is presented in this series as an honorable kickboxing champion who was framed by Shadowlaw (yeah, Shadowloo, Shadowlaw. I don’t know what the frick’s going on in this franchise) and after an initial sparring, he and Ryu become FAST FRIENDS?!?!?!

How did you screw that up!!?? Softball!! Softball on a tee, and you missed it!!! You morons couldn’t even get that right, what else could you possibly screw up in this show?! What’s that? Balrog, the hired muscle boxer guy is nothing more than a middle man who gives out jobs to Cammy, and has no fight scenes at all!? Top off all of this with Ken literally tegbagging Ryu naked in a pool….

STREET FIGHTER!!!

……A goofy mid boss guy with a detachable chainsaw on his hand like Han from Enter the Dragon or something, long,  dull, looped footage of Ryu practicing the Hadoken (it goes on forever), a dragging war between Ken and Vega, a lengthy assassination attempt on Chun Li’s father by Cammy where she literally daydreams how it could pan out (I’m not making that up) and finally a very long, very disturbing scene where Bison goes nuts and brutalizes a helpless 15-year-old Chun Li in a torn evening gown while a slimy guy films it and I feel like I was just teabagged by the whole franchise. This show could’ve been something special, the first couple of episodes really get your blood going. Then it peters into mediocrity until a really cool battle in India between Ryu and Ken in some parallel demonsion thing (It’s worth checking out). After that, Bison is introduced, the aforementioned violation occurs and it’s nothing but bitterness, contempt, hatred, and mostly boredom until the end. I did at least like the final fight in the show, it hearkened to that code in the first Alpha game where two players could fight Bison at the same time. That was kind of cool, but still teabagged and offended. This series should’ve been much better than this!! Some characters are under utilized, Guile is barely in it, no E. Honda present other than a background cameo, others are portrayed completely wrong (Sagat being a good guy and Balrog essentially a secretary) The original thugs are a complete joke, and the plot slows to a crawl when Bison comes into the show, cementing my theory that he ruins Street Fighter.

Alright, I’m tapped out. Sorry if this wound up being too long-winded. I thank you all for reading this at great length and I’ll try to keep future posts shorter.

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About ColonelFancy

Comedy writer, video game reviewer, retro gaming enthusiast, artist and cartoonist, otaku. Advocate of science, logic, and reasoning.
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2 Responses to ColonelFancy’s Top 10 Street Fighter Fails

  1. I think everything published made a great deal of sense. However, what
    about this? suppose you composed a catchier title?
    I ain’t saying your information is not good., however suppose you added a title that makes people want more? I mean Colonel Fancys Top 10 Street Fighter Fails | Somewhere In The Midst of Nowhere is kinda vanilla. You could look at Yahoo’s
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    You might add a video or a related picture or two to get people interested about everything’ve got to say. In my opinion, it might make your blog a little livelier.

    • colonelfancy says:

      Sorry it’s taken me a while to respond. I have been having internet connection issues for the last ten days and haven’t been able to log in. I do admit, the title is a little bland. The FAILs series is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and I kind of rushed it out there without thinking of a better name for it. I’ll keep that in mind for next time.
      I do want to bump up my production quality once I get my hands on some software, I intend to add some video w/ audio to my video game reviews for some of my future projects, and I want to incorporate some more of my own artwork once I get my Deviant Art page up and going to feature some of my fan art, original material, and comic skits I’ve been working on. I usually work on the drafts and scripts that often forget on how the package looks as a whole. And if people like what I write, it’s a bit of a disservice to my readers.
      I really do appreciate constructive criticism, it encourages me to work that much harder at making a better product. Thanks again!!

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